


Illusion

by PartridgeOnAPearTree



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: An incubus who identifies himself as unable to feel learns about feelings, Infidelity, M/M, Make sure you read until the very end hehehe ;), Merlin-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 08:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20327935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PartridgeOnAPearTree/pseuds/PartridgeOnAPearTree
Summary: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails."To tell the truth, I don't have a heart like a human. Because I have no emotions, I feed off of people's dreams and harvest the 'subtleties of the heart' from them." Merlin says about himself. In this, he's forced to learn about emotions. In a way an incubus like him can manage, at least.





	Illusion

**Author's Note:**

> i worked so hard on this. i enjoyed writing it a lot too, and i hope you enjoy reading it!!
> 
> make sure you read until the very end hehe

Bedivere is cheating on him.

Infidelity wasn’t something that Merlin would have expected from Bedivere of all people. Bedivere, the one whose loyalty was enough to last him a thousand and five hundred years, that loyalty that kept his mind intact even as his soul and body crumbled.

But… ah. Thinking more about it, maybe it makes sense that this happened. After all, it wasn’t like that loyalty was directed to Merlin nor was it directed to just anyone. No, it was directed to King Arthur, specifically.

Merlin watches Bedivere smiling happily, too happily, as Arthur laces their fingers together. Arthur had a smile of his own accompanied by a soft and subtle blush. But even so, this is a funny situation. After all, it’s not like this King Arthur is the one Bedivere knew.

But once again, thinking more about it, maybe it makes sense that this happened. This King Arthur is not the one that Merlin himself knew nor is he the one that any of the Knights of the Round Table in Chaldea knew. Likewise, this Bedivere is in the same situation. He's Bedivere, but not exactly. He shares the same story with the king and the other knights except for its ending.

They know the other knights, but not quite. The other knights know them, but not quite.

They both belong, but not quite.

Putting it that way, Merlin understands why they could possibly feel a sense of kinship with each other. As much as an unfeeling inhuman like him could understand, at least. He has lived hundreds and hundreds of years in the world of humans, but there are still a lot of things that he can’t grasp regarding emotions.

For one, he can’t identify what this feeling is, this feeling he got as he continued to watch Arthur and Bedivere happily hold hands. Bedivere’s cheeks were a beautiful shade of red. Whatever this feeling is, it intensified when Arthur brings Bedivere’s hand to his lips and plants a soft kiss to it.

What did the humans he watched all these years feel when cheated on by their loved ones? After all, someone like Merlin didn’t have his own emotions. He just absorbed everything he has from the others around him. The only reason he could be as he is now is because he's using the emotions that he has absorbed as fuel. Maybe, just maybe, if he could recall them, he could understand… whatever this boiling feeling in his chest is.

Was it anger? _How dare he do this to me? I trusted him._ Right, he could remember some humans from before having such sentiments. The cheating partner was unfair, they said. The moment one enters a relationship, it was a commitment that they chose. It’s not fair and acceptable to commit infidelity in a healthy relationship, they said.

As far as Merlin knows, his relationship with Bedivere is healthy. They respected each other, they were patient with each other, and they never tried to force the other to anything. At least, that’s how humans seem to define a healthy relationship. The converse is hurting each other, monopolizing each other, and not viewing each other as equals. As far as Merlin knows, they have never done anything like that.

Well, not until now.

Since Bedivere is cheating on him, that just means that he didn’t really respect Merlin or their relationship. And like this, he's hurting Merlin as well. Hurt. What does pain feel like again? Apparently, it was a great discomfort. Physical discomfort because of literal chest pains—humans claim that there are physiological reactions even to emotional pain—the sudden inability to breathe properly, the refusal of one’s own hands to cease shaking. Mental discomfort because the brain will suddenly be unable to fixate on anything else, can’t think of anything else, can’t sleep because of it.

But Merlin isn’t really feeling anything like that. Maybe he isn’t really hurt. Though he does feel something hot in his chest, so maybe that counts. Whatever it is.

Maybe he just can’t believe that this is happening. Bedivere, who blushes at the slightest compliments. Arthur, who himself experienced being cheated on during his life. No matter what kinship their sense of belongingness provides, there still is something completely unbelievable here. Unbelievable, unacceptable, unexpected.

Ah, but either way, he has to remember what humans feel regarding this situation.

Was it guilt? _I must have done something wrong. I must have been not enough. It’s my fault why he did this. I did this to us._ If their relationship weren’t healthy, would it be okay for Bedivere to cheat? Maybe Merlin did something wrong somehow. After all, while just thinking of this, it’s painfully apparent how emotionally inept he still is, despite all the years he has spent with humans.

But ah, that doesn’t make sense. Merlin doesn’t get guilty. Even as the Round Table fell apart, even as they were doomed to end up in painful situations, even considering that Merlin knew all of this would happen, he managed to escape to Avalon without feeling bad. He doesn’t get guilty.

Yeah, it’s impossible for him to be guilty. Incubi don’t feel anything. That’s why there are some things he can’t understand, like how he opted to stay locked up in Avalon even if he himself knew that he was competent enough to get out if really needed. That behavior would make sense if he's guilty, but—

No, he shouldn’t think about it. That’s absurd. He doesn’t feel anything. This love he feels for Bedivere, he wonders a lot if it’s genuine in the first place. An incubus like him can only love mankind in general but not individual humans themselves. Maybe Bedivere did the right thing, picking Arthur over him. Bedivere may be an ordinary person, but that’s exactly why he should notice if something as human as love is simply being emulated by his partner.

The humans he saw manifested love in different ways. Merlin could only assume that it must be love he's feeling as well when he spots enough similarities. Out of love, Lancelot killed his fellow Knights of the Round Table to free the queen. Out of love, Guinevere risked everything: the stability of the kingdom, her life, and her honor. Out of love, Tristan chose to remain in denial if it means believing the words of his wife. Out of love, Tristan’s wife lied to him and doomed him to die grieving and believing he has been betrayed.

He supposes he hasn’t had a lot of good role models about this subject matter. With how fond humanity is of romance, with how much they sing of its beauty, it’s a bit ironic how they can turn around and do the ugliest things in the name of it. But since that’s what Merlin mostly witnessed, it’s all an empty inhuman like him can absorb.

He concluded that he must love Bedivere when he feels that maybe not helping out Chaldea or not letting Bedivere finish his mission would be a better option than letting his soul be thoroughly extinguished and having him be thrown out of any cycles of reincarnation. He concluded that he must be in love when he feels that one person is more worth saving than the girl he raised, than the entirety of humanity, than the happy ending of the story of humanity he wants to see.

But he doesn’t act on it. Because according to the romanticized songs and poems of humanity about love, love does not seek to control. Love should be patient and kind. So even if he doesn’t understand, that’s what he does. Even if he selfishly wants to keep Bedivere in Avalon, probably influenced by the emotions he has absorbed, that’s what he does.

This should be love. If it isn’t, then it’s the closest someone like him could get to it. So with that said, maybe he is guilty, after all. Maybe, if he were more human, if he learned to understand emotions more, if he loved harder, this wouldn’t have happened.

But ah, what's done is done. Bedivere is already cheating on him. Guilt is the most useless feeling, he notices. There's no use feeling bad over something already done. It’s better to just look forward and improve things. As he has absorbed this optimistic thinking to be the ideal sage figure, as he knows that that’s the only way for him to be accepted by humans, that’s what he wants himself to feel.

When Arthur places a gentle hand on Bedivere’s cheek and lovingly leans their foreheads together, slowly kissing Bedivere’s soft lips, Merlin finally accepts that maybe, just maybe, someone like him is able to actually feel something.

Because although he doesn’t understand everything yet, although he still has a lot to learn about feelings and humans, he finally identifies that hot feeling in his chest.

It just wasn’t this intense earlier, so he made the mistake of not identifying it as such—

That hot, constricting feeling in his heart, accompanied by the strangely enough contrasting sensation of his cold sweaty hands, that sting at the edge of his eyes, that sinking feeling in his stomach that is tricking his mind into feeling nauseous…

—It must be what the humans identified as nothing but pure, unadulterated pain.

He was hurt.

And he didn’t know.

\--

Humans liked to ask for advice. Clueless as he is with the intricacies of human emotions, he experienced being asked romantic advice simply because he said they could ask, and he seemed like he knew what he was doing. That was also what some humans who got cheated on did.

So that’s what he did. Because that was what the reasonable humans did. Even if the emotions he has absorbed from his immediate role models made him feel like he should do something awful, he wanted to love like the sweet songs and poems did. Because they said love does not aim to harm. Love should be patient and kind.

“Excuse me…?” The Master of Chaldea, Fujimaru Ritsuka, blinks.

Merlin chuckles. “You don’t have to sound so surprised now, Master. Yup, you heard me correctly. I just thought you'd be the perfect person to ask.”

After all, out of everyone here, Ritsuka should be the one who’s most human.

“Well, no, I'm not too sure about that… I haven’t even been in any sort of relationship… Besides, weren’t you the one who told me that I'm always welcome to receive your consultation regarding romantic advice?”

“Haha, well, yeah, I did say that! But just this once, Master, I’d like to be able to rely on you in that area.”

“But I told you, I really have no experience in this…”

“Oh? You and Mash aren’t…?”

Her cheeks starts to redden. “I don’t know! But anyway, fine, just tell me about it already, so I can try…”

“Oh, okay! Well, then, Master, what should I do if my partner is cheating on me?”

“Whoa…”

“Hm?”

“You're serious?”

“Hmmm? Well, yes, I am.” Merlin chuckles. “Do I not look serious enough?”

“Not with that chuckle and smile, no… and besides, I never heard that you have a partner?”

“Aha, well, no one really knows.”

“Oh… so it’s, like, some secret thing? Well, okay, I won’t probe, but does this mean whoever your partner is cheating with doesn’t know they're already in a relationship with you?”

“Yes, that’s most likely.”

“That’s really bad… but are you sure you're asking me what to do? I think a situation like this is something dealt with uniquely by everyone…”

“Haha, I guess that’s true, but I'm specifically asking for your thoughts, Master. I want to hear what you think about this.”

“Well, I’ve never been in a relationship… but I think, first, I’d like to talk to my significant other about it. As calmly as I can. I don’t care if I cry or anything like that. Maybe I can even be angry. But the point is I just need to talk to them. I need to understand why they’d do that. I need them to know that I know.”

“Oh? So basically, you advise me to just talk with them?”

“Yeah, I think that’s the best thing to do here. And then, of course, it’s all your decision, but if I'm in this kind of situation, I’d definitely break up with them. I think cheating is really bad, so…”

“Break up, huh.”

“Yeah, I mean, I think I deserve better than that, you know. In fact, I don’t think anyone deserves that, so…”

“So Master thinks I should break up with them.”

“Well, that’s what _I _personally think, but this is a situation that greatly affects you, and I don’t think I have the right to tell you what to do, you know. In the end, it will always be your decision.”

“Just between you and me, I never experienced loving anyone this much before. Actually, to be more accurate, I never loved anyone before, period. So I'm not very sure if I’ll be able to do that.”

“Well, I get it, I think, that’s not something you can just wave away, but sometimes, you gotta ask yourself… Does this person who can stomach cheating on you really deserve your love? Something like that. I don’t know. As I repeatedly said, I’ve never been in a relationship before… but that’s what I think.”

“Yeah, it makes sense, Master.”

“Really? Sorry if I can’t help much… I feel I'm not really experienced enough for this, so…”

“No, no, any sort of insight from you helps a lot! Any at all!”

“Okay then. So there. That’s what I think.”

“So a conversation and a breakup, huh.”

“I mean, I said it again and again that it’s your decision, but that’s just what I would personally do.”

“Yup! I’ll keep your words in mind, Master. You're truly reliable!”

“I didn’t really do anything useful, I think…”

“Nope! Your opinions mean a lot. Anyway, if it’s okay, may I excuse myself now? I need to reflect while thinking of your insights.”

“Oh, sure, of course!” Ritsuka gives him an awkward pat. “You deserve better, Merlin.”

Merlin just chuckles.

\--

Ritsuka’s advice sounded simple enough. Talk, break up, that’s it. That’s why Merlin couldn’t understand why nor did he expect that he won’t be able to do it right away. Instead, he just watches and watches. He watches until he gets familiar with what pain is supposed to feel like. After all, it’s not like he feels a lot of things all the time. But like this, somehow, he feels alive.

He always identified himself as nothing but a sweet, fleeting dream. He makes kings for humanity, does what he can to assist them, and then disappear when he has fulfilled his role. But feeling this much pain, and for a human at that, it makes him feel that he has stopped being a dream that ends when the sun rises.

Suddenly, like this, he's grounded to a specific person he can clearly associate with a specific time period. Like this, there's a specific point of his life on which he can fixate. He can clearly remember Camelot and being a friendly colleague to Bedivere although never overly close. And of course, he can clearly remember Avalon and experiencing for the first time the relief of meeting someone warm and familiar after hundreds of years of solitude.

He wonders how real his affection for Bedivere is. He wonders if it’s genuine or if he simply latched onto the first person he met after such a long time like the inhuman he is. Of course, having that person be familiar and beautiful, with a genuine smile and soothing voice, couldn’t hurt at all.

But this pain he feels, his earlier conclusion about abandoning the entirety of humanity if it means Bedivere will live, proves to him that he's in love. He has to be. That’s why he doesn’t do anything awful even if that’s what the emotions he has absorbed are trying to get him to do. He doesn’t do anything awful even as he watches Arthur and Bedivere share loving kisses daily, even as they look at each other as if they're each other’s most important persons.

They probably are. Maybe Arthur is just like Merlin. Bedivere was the first familiar person he has met in forever. Even if Merlin himself and the other Knights of the Round Table are possibly familiar, Bedivere must be even more so due to the both of them having the not-quite status.

Even before all this when Arthur was quite avoidant with the other servants, he still talked to Bedivere. If one asks anyone about him, they’d say something along the lines of “Have you tried asking Bedivere?”

Maybe Merlin should have seen it coming. Maybe he could have done something about it if he paid more attention. But he doesn’t even know what he would do if ever. After all, love does not seek to control. Love does not envy, so he shouldn’t even think anything of their closeness. Love should be patient and kind. That’s what the poems and songs said.

He doesn’t know how to deal with this. That’s a bit embarrassing to admit as he's a sage and an advisor whose role is to basically _know_ what to do. Ritsuka did suggest breaking up, but he really isn’t sure about that. He wished humanity had a romanticized song about infidelity too. Maybe that way he’d know what to do.

He really can’t trust himself to rely on what the emotions he has absorbed are telling him to do.

They're telling him to do things that aren’t patient and kind.

Ah, it really hurts. But at least his hands aren’t shaking anymore. He doesn’t feel like crying or throwing up anymore either. The only thing that remained was the discomfort in his chest, but that was easy to ignore. Easy to pretend doesn’t exist. The smile never left his face. The chuckles he let out still sounded as carefree.

How long has it been since he has sought Ritsuka’s advice? A month? A little more than that? Even so, he hasn’t done anything to help himself. He just watched. He watched as the two got even closer and more comfortable with each other. He watched as Bedivere rests his head on Arthur’s shoulder when they think they're alone. He watched as Arthur gently threads his fingers through Bedivere’s hair.

He didn’t watch when the two spent their night together.

And the next day, he knows he didn’t really need to watch to know what they did either. Suddenly, the two of them seemed even closer than before. Suddenly, they seemed like the most comfortable place they’ve ever known was with each other. Suddenly, it started to feel like his hands would start shaking again.

“Good afternoon, Bedivere. Do you have a minute?” Merlin greets, the smile on his face never betraying him. His voice sounded casual like it always does. Arthur even shows him a polite smile, and Merlin actually finds himself wondering if he knows. He can’t imagine Bedivere hiding anything from Arthur. Bedivere might have been able to do this kind of thing to Merlin, but Arthur should be a different case entirely.

Bedivere’s smile was polite as well. A smile it was, yes, but to be thrown a polite smile by one’s lover is a bit…

“Of course, Merlin. What is it?” He answers. His voice was filled with sincerity. It sounded like he didn’t have anything to hide. This kind of behavior really was unexpected from him. Merlin could have expected it from anyone else, but not him. It makes the discomfort in his chest even worse.

“It’s a bit of a private matter, so I was thinking that we should discuss it in private. Is that fine?”

“Oh.” Bedivere blinks, curious. Almost as if he really had no clue whatever it is Merlin can possibly want to discuss. Not a single hint of nervousness was on his face. It’s either he was that skilled of an actor or he just sincerely didn’t expect Merlin could ever know. It was as if he completely forgot that Merlin had clairvoyance. “My king, may I excuse myself?”

“Of course.” Arthur gives him a fond smile. “See you later, Bedivere.”

Arthur politely nods at Merlin before Merlin and Bedivere leave the cafeteria. They walk in silence after that with Bedivere quietly walking behind him. It’s been a while since the two of them have been alone together. After all, these days, Bedivere seems to spend most of his time with Arthur now.

“Ah,” Merlin turns around to face him. “I really, really want to discuss this in a surely private place, so would it be okay if we do it in my room? Or would you be more comfortable in yours?”

“Oh, I don’t really have a preference. Is everything all right, Merlin? You can choose whichever option makes you more comfortable.”

He sounds so sincere. The concern in his eyes and voice seem so real. This must be one of the reasons Merlin has fallen in love with him.

“Haha, everything’s fine, Bedi. But all right, let’s go to your room then.”

“All right, let’s go.” Bedivere simply says.

Merlin has never been to Bedivere’s room. They’ve never even slept together, not even in Avalon. That must be why he's suddenly reacting strongly again. Bedivere has slept with Arthur but not him. Bedivere would smile so happily at Arthur but not at him. Bedivere’s eyes were always filled with love when looking at Arthur but not at him.

They reached Bedivere’s room. As soon as the door was closed, Merlin wraps him in an embrace.

Bedivere was so warm. How comfortable it was to hold him was unbelievable. Arthur seemed so contented when holding Bedivere in his arms, like Bedivere perfectly belonged there. Merlin can’t understand how he can feel the exact same way upon holding Bedivere as well. He feels that Bedivere perfectly belongs in his arms too, even if the feeling seemed so foreign now.

Bedivere doesn’t immediately return his embrace. And when he finally does, his actions were laced with so much hesitation, totally unlike how it is when he embraces Arthur.

Whenever he embraces Arthur, he looks like he's happily going home. He looks like he has never been surer of anything in this life. Nothing like this half-hearted embrace that Merlin is receiving right now.

“Merlin… What's the matter?”

“…I already know about it.”

“What do you mean…?”

It sounds so much like he really is asking out of innocence and sincerity. It’s a bit scary. It really is the ones you don’t expect.

Merlin pulls away. Despite the pain in his chest, embracing Bedivere still felt good somehow. Seeing Bedivere’s face filled with such genuine innocence hurt.

“It’s okay. I just want a calm and honest conversation. I can just laugh anything off if I try, so don’t be afraid.”

“I… I really don’t know what you're talking about, sorry.”

“I don’t want to have to spell it out. Please, Bedi. It’s really okay. I just want to talk about it and understand you better, maybe even figure out how we can proceed with this.”

“I-I'm very confused. Sorry, Merlin. Can I ask you to be clearer?”

“You really insist…” _It’s okay. Love is patient. Love is patient. Love is patient. _“All right. I know about it already. You and Arthur, I mean.”

“O-Oh.” Bedivere immediately blushes. He looks so demure. Like shyness should be his foremost emotion regarding Merlin’s statement. “I see. Of course… You always seem to know everything one way or another.”

This wasn’t the reaction that Merlin was expecting. Actually, Merlin isn’t even sure what he was expecting in the first place. Maybe it’s just Bedivere’s calm and collected nature, but Merlin thought there would at least be a more agitated response. Nothing like this reserved and beautiful flushing of his cheeks like an innocent secret of his just got unearthed.

“Ah.” _Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is kind. _“Is that really all you have to say?”

“Well… I don’t know what else to say.”

Maybe Merlin misunderstood something. Was infidelity normal? Was it something that just happens? Was it something so acceptable that someone as pure as Bedivere wouldn’t even apologize about it?

“Haha, okay, if that’s how things are. I’ll just move on to the next thing. What does this mean about us then?”

“I don’t know… Does the king know? Does she mind?”

It’s almost funny how even until now it’s the king he asks about. It fits, Merlin thinks. This whole situation makes sense. Bedivere cheating on him with Arthur, not even acknowledging the wrong thing he has done because he went straight to asking about Arturia… It all fits. Bedivere truly was the king’s most loyal knight until the end.

“She doesn’t know.”

“Oh…”

“Haha, I really admire your loyalty, Bedivere. But is that really all you have to say?”

“I'm sorry… I really don’t know what else I should say.”

The more Merlin asks, the more it hurts. Maybe Bedivere has never valued him as much as the king. After all, Bedivere himself chose to leave him in Avalon to fulfill his duty to the king instead of being with him.

“Okay, Bedi. I appreciate your honesty. Does this mean we’re breaking up?”

“…What?”

“If you want to keep us both, I suppose that’s fine. But I think, for the situation to be fair, all three of us have to know about the circumstances.”

“I don’t know what you're talking about, Merlin…”

“It’s really okay, Bedivere. You don’t have to act like this anymore. As I said, I just want to communicate. If you want to stay with me, that’s fine. If you want to stay with us both, that’s fine. If you want to break things off with me, that’s fine as well.”

“I don’t—I'm really confused, sorry.”

“Well, that’s fine. I guess I shouldn’t have you decide this on a single day. I’ll wait for your response maybe a week from now if that’s okay? But right now, I wish you could at least tell me if you love me.”

“I…”

“Or was even that too much to ask?”

“You're really serious.” Bedivere was slowly shaking his head. “I don’t know what happened, Merlin, but… we’re not a couple. I'm really concerned about you. Are you all right?”

“What?”

“I'm not very knowledgeable about magic… That’s your area, after all. But is this some sort of spell? Maybe Lady da Vinci would know what to do…”

“We’re not a couple, you say.”

Merlin’s head is starting to hurt. They're not a couple, he says. Magic, he says. But the pain in his chest feels so real. He can clearly remember falling in love with Bedivere while they both stayed in Avalon. He can clearly remember considering to just abandon humanity and Arturia with the holy lance so they can be together.

“That’s right. I don’t know if this is some mind control magic, or…”

Merlin closes his eyes. They're not a couple, he says. Yet his chest hurts so much. It’s starting to hurt even more now. How can something that hurts this much be fake?

“Merlin—”

“Keep quiet, please.” He lifts his hand, and Bedivere immediately closes his mouth. Completely unable to speak. “Oh. Sorry. Sorry, Bedi, I didn’t mean to. I'm trying to think. That’s just temporary. I just need to think.”

Merlin touches Bedivere, and Bedivere weakly falls to his arms. “It’s just temporary. Just temporary. See, you're still conscious, right? I'm not going to hurt you. I just need to think.”

They move towards the bed. Merlin’s headache seems to have worsened in such a short amount of time. He held Bedivere in his arms. Bedivere was so warm. But now, he's realizing that he actually hasn’t held Bedivere before. That must be why it felt so foreign before and why his warmth was such a comforting surprise.

Bedivere was letting out a soft groan and weakly clutching at his clothes. Merlin assumes he must be trying to get away but was too weak for it. “I'm not going to hurt you. I just need you here while I think.”

He's trying to think. But the pain in his head and chest becomes even worse the more he tries. That must be why Merlin can’t remember how soft his lips felt. That must be why he can’t remember ever sleeping together when that action would be second nature to an incubus like him.

He can’t remember his head hurting this much before. It feels like someone has set it on fire after splitting it open. And his chest is making it difficult for him to breathe. But it’s all right. He has never felt this way before. Maybe his stay in the human realm is finally paying off. Maybe he's finally learning how to feel. Maybe he can finally stop being an outsider.

He needs to think.

He just needs to think.

\--

‘There was a rumor among the fairies of a human-shaped rock at the edge of Avalon. It appeared out of nowhere, and no one knows where it came from. It seemed to be a human, and scarily enough, it was still alive. It was alive, yet it couldn’t move. The body was beat-up and its soul exhausted. Truly, a living corpse.

But surprisingly, its mind was still intact. That rock had tremendous tenacity. It wouldn’t allow itself to die… I am sure you understand by now. That rock was you, Lucius. You showed up here due to the effects of the Singularity. A possibility that came from another terminal world.’

_He's often seen as a perfectly happy person, with no worries at all, but Merlin himself realizes that he is an outsider in human society, and so he can’t tear down the final barrier of being able to call someone a dear friend._

‘Lucius… No, my dear friend Sir Bedivere. Good morning and good day.’

_Regardless of the result of this upcoming battle, you will die. Do you still strive for the end of your journey?_

_…Yes. My mind… My will… They remain loyal to my king and his glory._

_Will you do this when you yourself have done nothing wrong?_

_…Yes. That is the one way I can serve my king._

And then Merlin was alone again. Avalon remained beautiful while he remained alone. The first familiar person he saw, the one with the beautiful and warm smile, was already gone. He selfishly wanted Bedivere to stay, but he didn’t want to be selfish. He wanted to be patient. He wanted to be kind.

So he remembers what he did.

“Leave it to me.” He remembers saying out loud, cheerfully muttering to himself. “I shall end this like a dream.”

He casts an illusion. Because he wants to end this loneliness, like it was nothing but a harsh, fleeting dream. He casts an illusion. Because he's curious about the feelings he felt for Bedivere and wants to learn more. He casts an illusion. An illusion that Bedivere and he fell in love with each other during his short stay in Avalon, an illusion where he tried his best to be as loving as a harmless human in love.

And, though an illusion all it was, he must have learned something real.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t be crying this much.

And, ah, he really must be the world’s best illusionist if he managed to delude even himself to this extent.

\--

_Illusion_

_A magecraft that deludes people. It indicates intervention towards the mind, virtual projections on the real world and the like._

_Upon reaching A Rank, nightmares on the mental world are a matter of course, but he can also easily create virtual images of about the size of a single village to deceive people._

\--

Bedivere was still clutching on his clothes. Merlin’s embrace around him has gotten tighter without him noticing. Everything finally makes sense.

If his love came from an illusion, does that mean there's no way for it to be real? Would something not real hurt this much?

The emotions he has absorbed, the awful things he has witnessed—they're telling him to be brash, angry, and harmful like Lancelot was. They're telling him to risk losing everything if it means he can be with his beloved like Guinevere did. They're telling him to put his beloved above everything else like Tristan did. They're telling him to lie out of jealousy if it means his beloved will think he's the only loyal lover like Tristan’s wife did.

But love is patient. Love is kind.

Merlin chants the song to remind himself. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, it hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

He listens to his feelings. He remembers Lancelot, Guinevere, Tristan, and Tristan’s wife. He listens to what the humans say. He remembers Ritsuka. He remembers Bedivere who was nothing but a normal and simple kindhearted human being.

Love is patient. Love is kind. That’s what the humans say.

And then, he finally remembers something important.

He's not human.


End file.
